I Know. I Wonder. A Different Way to Face a Hard Decision.
Most of us approach a difficult decision the same way: we think about it. We go over the same ground, weigh the same pros and cons, and arrive at the same uncertainty we started with. The harder we push, the more stuck we feel.
The I Know / I Wonder process works differently. It's a structured eight-step exercise I've used with clients facing everything from career crossroads to major life transitions — and with coaches and business owners trying to figure out their next move. The process doesn't tell you what to decide. It helps you see your situation clearly enough that the decision often becomes obvious on its own.
It begins simply: define the issue. Not the solution, not the goal — just the situation you're actually facing, stated as plainly as you can.
From there, you list everything you know about it. Everything. You keep going until you've exhausted what you know. Then you shift — and list everything you wonder. The questions you haven't let yourself ask. The things that feel uncertain. The outcomes you can't predict.
Then comes the step that surprises most people.
You go back to the "know" list — and you audit it. For each item, you ask: is this actually known, or is it an opinion? A fear? An assumption you've been treating as fact? If it isn't truly known, it moves to the wonder list. This is where the real work begins, because most people discover that their "know" list is shorter than they thought — and their "wonder" list is longer.
Once the lists are honest, the process asks: which wonders concern you most? And — crucially — what would it take to move an item from wonder to known?
Sometimes the answer is simpler than expected. I wonder what the application process is like at that company. How does that become a known? A phone call. A website visit. An email to someone who works there. The path from uncertainty to clarity is often a single concrete action — and naming it changes everything.
The final steps turn insight into motion. What needs to happen to gain greater clarity? What can be done today? Tomorrow? This week? The process ends not with a decision handed to you, but with a sequence of steps you've identified yourself — grounded in what you actually know, and oriented toward resolving what you don't.
I presented this process at the Gay Men's Coaching Alliance annual conference to a room of coaches thinking about how to grow their practices. At the end, one coach turned to me and said he now knew exactly what he needed to do moving forward. He has since expanded his practice significantly.
That's what the process does. It doesn't manufacture clarity — it removes the noise that was blocking it.
The I Know / I Wonder process works best when it's experienced rather than read about. The structure matters, but so does having someone alongside you to notice when a "known" is really a fear in disguise, or when a "wonder" is actually the question you most need to sit with.
Thor Falk
Co-Active Life Coach · Gathering Focus
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